The 'Fax (pontifax) wrote in kwantumwank,
The 'Fax

Muy Dorito

We escaped, just barely, from Scurvy Island. Not even we were sure how we got away, and we regretted, for a brief moment of non self-absorbedness, that we had to leave some of them behind, but hey, as Iago said in Return of Jafar, "I'm lookin' out for me."

Life returned to normal back at HQ, as normal as things can get when Boss Goji's monthly trips to the pound constantly bring the real cops around our door, but Gun got back his dress and his sword, and he seemed happy enough.

We never spoke about Scurvy Island; in truth, after a while we forgot about it. There were new jobs for the Grammar Police, new internet smuggling rings to control, more and more Fashion Police everyday to combat. I started to think that maybe it never happened at all...

One sunny morning in May, I walked into Shadow's office.

"Did you get my memo?" I asked.

The glare she gave me was cold as a my bed at night, mean as the one-eyed viper Gun kept in his pants, more frightening than Boss Goji's obsession with fox-women, and more desperate to kill me than girls are to flee from Jasonfraklin's embrace.

"We're not doing this," she said, adjusting her beret.

"C'mon!" I said, "it'll be muy dorito!"

I barely missed becoming The Amazing Man With the Brick-Shaped Impression In His Face by ducking.

"Where'd you get a brick?"

"I have a bag of them, right here. Just for you, Fax," she said.

"So, cmon! Let's do it! Muy dorito!"

"Fax. You say that everytime. 'It'll be muy dorito!' News flash, Fax: It's never dorito! You always promise us dorito, but it's never dorito!"

I flashed a smile and left, knowing my work was done.

Sure enough, the very next morning, the entire crew of the Grammar Police showed up, prepared for the ocean cruise I'd planned aboard the S.S. Fish Shirt, a smallish boat, but more than enough to hold the fourteen of us who'd be taking this trip.

Shadow showed up first.

"What the hell are you wearing?" I asked.

"I saw Underworld last night. Kate Beckinsale vibrates my chassis. Deal with it, asshole," she said, complete with demonstrations that no man should ever have to see.

Boss Goji was next, and the laughing fit that ensued nearly ended the trip early.

"What?" he said, apparently taking no notice of his bright pink hat and wetsuit. "We're going on a boat. With Fax. We'll see who's laughing."

"Good point," said Shadow.

Gun lumbered down. "It's a coat, not a dress. So shut up." he said, walking past me onto the boat.

Larnce showed up next, wearing aviator goggles and a bright orange jumpsuit. There were no words.

The rest filed suit: Franklin, Tara, Jenn, the ever-enigmatic (but easy on the eyes) Tango, the equally visually pleasing Chrissy, Ashkta, Fin, Pope, and finally Momo.

Some were dressed for the trip like Tara with her grass skirt or Jenn taking the love of pirates to the next level. Then there were those who didn't seem to understand we were going on the water like Pope with his goddamned prom kilt or Ashkta who looked like she'd just come from a highly specialized 'naughty librarian' porn shoot.

Then there was Momo.

"So," I said, "Been to Austrailia recently?"

"No, why?" said Momo.

"Because you're wearing the Union Jack!"

It ended there and we were on our way. We never saw the storm coming, odd, considering that most of us had been struck by a very similar storm the last time we were out at sea. Having nothing to do but ride it out, Gun and I tried to throw Franklin overboard since he couldn't swim......


The travelers soon found themselves wrecked upon a deserted beach. Deserted save for three houses, one slightly larger than the other. Determined not to allow the attempted murders and scowls of his crew to ruin his mood, Fax, still wishing for Bullet Time, rushed into the largest house, claiming the master bedroom. Gun followed, scowling, but knowing who really would be having the master bedroom. Tara and Franklin decided to join Fax and Gun in the first house, as did Jenn and Tango.

Shadow and Boss Goji, determined never to set foot around Fax again, gladly took the second house. Larnce also shouted dibs on the second house as he returned to the wreckage for his insulin. Momo, Pope, Ashkta, Finlay, and Chrissy all hurried into the second house. When Larnce returned, he found that his only choice was to live out the rest of his days in his worst living hell: the same house as Fax.

As they settled in, the residents of the third house poked their heads out to view their new neighbors. Faces that, had anyone been looking, were oddly familiar. They were the faces of their abandoned companions: Molrak, Perfect, Widow, and Ladecker.

Time had changed the Scurvy castaways. Widow now ruled the roost with an iron fist, evidenced by her 'jacked up' new appearance. Perfect grew an even greater attachement to toiletries as seafaring vessels. Ladecker had scored some bitchin' new shades and Molrak had done the unthinkable: grew out his mullet.

For when the Fax and Gun had abandoned them, they set out to search for a way off the island by themselves. Along the way they encountered the mexican-wrestler-turned-farmer Poe and he joined up with them, having been stranded himself. It was too their horror when they realized they were not on an had never been an island....


The families of Scurvy Peninsula.

In House One:

From left to right: Tara, Franklin (looking for all the world like Uncle Jesse), Jenn, Fax in Max Payne garb (where the top hat came from, no one know), Gun (our favorite Sephiroth impersonator), Tango (looking HAWT) and sadly Larnce (looking pissed).

In House Two:

From left to right: Momo (*shakes head*), Ashkta, Pope (in that goddamn kilt), Shadow (looking AWESOME), Goji (*giggles*), Finlay (I've SEEN him wear that exact outfit!), and Chrissy (also looking HAWT).

In House Three:

From left to right: Gangsta Widow, Perfect Loves Boats, Mullet Molrak, Bitchin' Shades Decker, and Mexican Wrestler/Farmer Poe.

xposted to my journal and scurvy_island
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