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Kwantum Wank: An Adventure in Fandom

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Episode 3, Chapter 1 [19 May 2006|03:28pm]

Okay, so we're back on track. Presenting Chapter One of Episode Three: Seperate, but Not
Even Close to Equal.


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18 wanks|wank it!

Muy Dorito [18 May 2006|03:25am]

We escaped, just barely, from Scurvy Island. Not even we were sure how we got away, and we regretted, for a brief moment of non self-absorbedness, that we had to leave some of them behind, but hey, as Iago said in Return of Jafar, "I'm lookin' out for me."

Life returned to normal back at HQ, as normal as things can get when Boss Goji's monthly trips to the pound constantly bring the real cops around our door, but Gun got back his dress and his sword, and he seemed happy enough.

We never spoke about Scurvy Island; in truth, after a while we forgot about it. There were new jobs for the Grammar Police, new internet smuggling rings to control, more and more Fashion Police everyday to combat. I started to think that maybe it never happened at all...

One sunny morning in May, I walked into Shadow's office.

"Did you get my memo?" I asked.

The glare she gave me was cold as a my bed at night, mean as the one-eyed viper Gun kept in his pants, more frightening than Boss Goji's obsession with fox-women, and more desperate to kill me than girls are to flee from Jasonfraklin's embrace.

"We're not doing this," she said, adjusting her beret.

"C'mon!" I said, "it'll be muy dorito!"

I barely missed becoming The Amazing Man With the Brick-Shaped Impression In His Face by ducking.

"Where'd you get a brick?"

"I have a bag of them, right here. Just for you, Fax," she said.

"So, cmon! Let's do it! Muy dorito!"

"Fax. You say that everytime. 'It'll be muy dorito!' News flash, Fax: It's never dorito! You always promise us dorito, but it's never dorito!"

I flashed a smile and left, knowing my work was done.

Sure enough, the very next morning, the entire crew of the Grammar Police showed up, prepared for the ocean cruise I'd planned aboard the S.S. Fish Shirt, a smallish boat, but more than enough to hold the fourteen of us who'd be taking this trip.

Shadow showed up first.

"What the hell are you wearing?" I asked.

"I saw Underworld last night. Kate Beckinsale vibrates my chassis. Deal with it, asshole," she said, complete with demonstrations that no man should ever have to see.

Boss Goji was next, and the laughing fit that ensued nearly ended the trip early.

"What?" he said, apparently taking no notice of his bright pink hat and wetsuit. "We're going on a boat. With Fax. We'll see who's laughing."

"Good point," said Shadow.

Gun lumbered down. "It's a coat, not a dress. So shut up." he said, walking past me onto the boat.

Larnce showed up next, wearing aviator goggles and a bright orange jumpsuit. There were no words.

The rest filed suit: Franklin, Tara, Jenn, the ever-enigmatic (but easy on the eyes) Tango, the equally visually pleasing Chrissy, Ashkta, Fin, Pope, and finally Momo.

Some were dressed for the trip like Tara with her grass skirt or Jenn taking the love of pirates to the next level. Then there were those who didn't seem to understand we were going on the water like Pope with his goddamned prom kilt or Ashkta who looked like she'd just come from a highly specialized 'naughty librarian' porn shoot.

Then there was Momo.

"So," I said, "Been to Austrailia recently?"

"No, why?" said Momo.

"Because you're wearing the Union Jack!"

It ended there and we were on our way. We never saw the storm coming, odd, considering that most of us had been struck by a very similar storm the last time we were out at sea. Having nothing to do but ride it out, Gun and I tried to throw Franklin overboard since he couldn't swim......


The travelers soon found themselves wrecked upon a deserted beach. Deserted save for three houses, one slightly larger than the other. Determined not to allow the attempted murders and scowls of his crew to ruin his mood, Fax, still wishing for Bullet Time, rushed into the largest house, claiming the master bedroom. Gun followed, scowling, but knowing who really would be having the master bedroom. Tara and Franklin decided to join Fax and Gun in the first house, as did Jenn and Tango.

Shadow and Boss Goji, determined never to set foot around Fax again, gladly took the second house. Larnce also shouted dibs on the second house as he returned to the wreckage for his insulin. Momo, Pope, Ashkta, Finlay, and Chrissy all hurried into the second house. When Larnce returned, he found that his only choice was to live out the rest of his days in his worst living hell: the same house as Fax.

As they settled in, the residents of the third house poked their heads out to view their new neighbors. Faces that, had anyone been looking, were oddly familiar. They were the faces of their abandoned companions: Molrak, Perfect, Widow, and Ladecker.

Time had changed the Scurvy castaways. Widow now ruled the roost with an iron fist, evidenced by her 'jacked up' new appearance. Perfect grew an even greater attachement to toiletries as seafaring vessels. Ladecker had scored some bitchin' new shades and Molrak had done the unthinkable: grew out his mullet.

For when the Fax and Gun had abandoned them, they set out to search for a way off the island by themselves. Along the way they encountered the mexican-wrestler-turned-farmer Poe and he joined up with them, having been stranded himself. It was too their horror when they realized they were not on an island...it had never been an island....


The families of Scurvy Peninsula.

In House One: The KwantumsCollapse )

In House Two: The WanksCollapse )

In House Three: The ScurvysCollapse )

xposted to my journal and scurvy_island
28 wanks|wank it!

[17 May 2006|03:44pm]

If you're here and haven't already, go join scurvy_island. Many of you are about to be featured. Especially you, Tango! ;p
1 wank|wank it!

One Shot [03 May 2006|06:23pm]

A one-shot full of sparkling social commentary. *grin*

One ShotCollapse )
30 wanks|wank it!

So.. [05 Apr 2006|05:17pm]

Who's still around? If we're gonna continue this thing, I need to know who to include and who to write out. So, sound off!
18 wanks|wank it!

R6 Holiday Special: Reindeer Games & The People Who Play Them [06 Dec 2005|01:43pm]

[ mood | Ho. Ho. Ho. ]

With the Solstice of the year nearly upon us, I find myself wondering, as I do every year, why everyone but me seems to be a complete fucking nimrod.

Up ahead: candycanes, Singapore style. Bend over, Mr. Kringle.Collapse )

5 wanks|wank it!

A Moment of Science [18 Nov 2005|01:55pm]

Welcome back to A Moment of Science. Dr. Rae here, with your token sex article. Be careful, you might have to change your pants afterward.

Lesbian lizards, beleaguered bananas, fabulous fish...Collapse )
4 wanks|wank it!

Poll-rageous! [16 Nov 2005|09:01am]

Awesome poll inside... really... really quite awesome.... I assure you.Collapse )
wank it!

Please bow your heads, for a Moment of Science! [04 Nov 2005|11:48pm]

[ mood | content ]

Good evening, and welcome to the very first edition of “Moment of Science”! Consider this small literary concoction to be your twice a month science lesson, with me, Dr. Rae, as your professor.

Hopefully all you liberal arts majors will learn something.

I will try to fill this article with interesting facts, clever stories, and all the strange ironies that nature has to offer. If you need clarification, or have any questions, I’ll be happy answer. After all, as living and growing beings, we are all here to learn. If I can’t answer it truthfully, you’ll at least be rewarded with a smart-ass remark.

And so, without further ado, I give you ”HowCollapse )

Is it true?Collapse )

5 wanks|wank it!

A Moment of Science [03 Nov 2005|10:18am]

[ mood | hopeful ]

Hello all. Chrissy here, with an idea for an article. I would love to write a bi-weekly called "A Moment of Science" that regales all you heathens on the wonders and wack jobs of science. I'm bursting with information from all my fancy biology classes, and need folks to share my learning with. I thought an entry such as this in KW would be a good addition. Let me know what you think.

If you don't give a shit about science, tell me, and I'll make stuff up, just like how the Kansas School Board does. I promise to tell you about the most interesting things I can find, and I'll try my darndest to make it entertaining.

Do I have the green light? I have a good story about Stalin and a cabbage that I would like to share.

5 wanks|wank it!

NaNoWriMo [30 Oct 2005|02:03pm]

So, I know some of you are participating in the above, as am I. I wanted to set this up right here where we could talk about our November projects and encourage each other to ensure that each one of us actually succeeds this NaNo thing. So, if you're planning on doing it, just let everyone know what you're doing and post snippets and what not to keep everyone interested and to keep your motivation going. Or you can do none of that and just keep us posted on how it's going.

My NaNoWriMo project? KwantumWank. That's right. In the month of November, you guys are gonna get 50000 words of KW. Excited? You'd better be.
7 wanks|wank it!

Episode 2, Chapter 8 [30 Oct 2005|01:55pm]

Okay, so apparently, they started putting length caps on these things so I'm gonna have to split the chapter.......

EDIT: Nevermind. Apparently I just had an html error. All one chapter now.

Karaoke Revolution

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4 wanks|wank it!

[13 Oct 2005|03:53pm]

Who wants another chapter of KW?

Can the man be stopped?!
18 wanks|wank it!

Episode 2, Chapter 7 [12 Oct 2005|05:39am]

What?! Two chapters in as many days? Impossible. This is the last 'history' chapter, and it's fairly short so I encourage you to read it, even if italics bother you. :)

There's my Sandwich

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8 wanks|wank it!

The strike is over: [11 Oct 2005|06:43pm]

KW is back baby, and in a big way. I urge all of you to return to your posts, and take up your columns once again. I;m currently working on an update for my other community, so I'll leave you with this in lieu of a real Full Metal Docket:

Poll #588441 FMD: Poll

What is the greatest console video game system EVAR

Super Nintendo
Sega Master System
TurboGrafx 16
Commodore 64

What's the best game on your favorite system?

10 wanks|wank it!

Episode 2, Chapter 6 [11 Oct 2005|02:43pm]

After a day or two of waiting, here is the newest installment of KW. Chapter 6 completed.

Whiskey Tango Foxtrot

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17 wanks|wank it!

I want my KW. [21 Sep 2005|03:54pm]

I'm sick of waiting. I no longer have faith that this will ever become active again through.... natural... causes.

I'm going to start writing more side-stories about this world Fax created.

Who's with me?
13 wanks|wank it!

No rant this time. [09 Sep 2005|06:50pm]

[ mood | cheerful ]

But this is still the best thread ever.

wank it!

SUPAH~~~ DUPAH~~~ R6 GRAND RETURN SPECIAL BUSTER WAVE!!!!!11jargon [30 Aug 2005|06:38pm]

[ mood | suck it, you sons of whores. ]

As Pontifax doesn't seem like he will EVER update this community again, the hardest working muthafugga here, I, the inimitable Boss Goji, am officially making my triumphant return to the fold! R6 is back, and I'm angrier than ever. And knowing me, that is REALLY fucking saying something.

I've got just one thing to bitch about tonight. And it's the sorry-ass state of punk music these days.

noone likes a quitter or an old punk's bitternessCollapse )

10 wanks|wank it!

[17 Jun 2005|02:48pm]

Sorry, guys. No column today. I just got intarweb back, so I need time to catch up.

besides, I'm watching Bleach. STFU.
wank it!

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